Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Choosing Happiness
I got my period over the weekend--the first cycle since the miscarriage and for some reason that roller coaster of hormones combined with the generally overcast and cool weekend left me feeling more down and angry than I've felt since before I found out I was pregnant.

I felt deflated and so low I could barely get myself to do anything all day Saturday and Sunday except lounge on my sofa, watch reruns of Sopranos episodes, and monitor the unraveling of the events down at the YFZ Ranch in Western Texas. (Those who know me well know just how fascinated with religious cults... Don't worry I'll be posting all about that fiasco sometime in the next few weeks. )

On Monday, though, I emerged from my cave and looked around at suddenly blooming Brooklyn and thought to myself: What are you doing? Life is happening all around you and here you are, choosing to dwell on the things that make you sad, the things that didn't work out, the glass half empty. And so I decided that just for that one day I'd make a conscious effort not to focus on the negative but to choose--as if I were selecting wheat over white bread--the healthier option. And what do you know? By that evening I actually started to feel better, brighter, more enthusiastic about things. Now I'm not talking a 180 degree turn, but just a nudge.

Because things are good: I'm healthy. My husband is healthy. I make a good living doing what I always wanted to do: write. (Granted, I never really envisioned copywriting, but at least I'm not stuck in a cubicle doing something I hate.) And Spring is here. Glorious Spring and with it that feeling of escape, of freedom, of the possibility of renewal.

I see good things. Good things everywhere. Because that's what I choose to see...

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Blogger Martha Elaine Belden said...

good for you!
i'm glad you're feeling better :)

and on a total side note... my friend works for CPS and is down in san angelo/eldorado working with "those" people.

she comes back this weekend, so i'm anxious to hear what she has to say about it. i know she's been working like 14 hour days, so i'm sure she's experiencing quite a bit.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I am impressed that you were able to rise above all of those difficult feelings and draining emotions. You are such a strong woman! You should be so proud of yourself - this is not easy. Big hug!!

2:19 AM  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

Waht an amazing discovery you made about yourself! What a great post...I am so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry for the emotions and hormones that are giving you stress, but my heart goes out to you and so glad to hear you are grateful for many things in your life.

I am going to be in NYC in august...if you have time or interest shall we try to hook up?

Also...I wonder if you know of anyone who might like to sublet their place for two weeks?

Cheers and hugs,

10:27 AM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

Sometimes you just need that time...
And then, a push out the door...
So terribly sorry for your loss...

10:20 AM  

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